Written 4/27/06
Why I don’t have a girlfriend (or Curse You Bavarian Illumiati!)
A Short and Curly Screenplay
by FreshLaundry
INT. INNER SANCTUM – DARK – ESTABLISHING
The candle-lit INNER SANCTUM of the Bavarian Illuminati. The hooded GRAND MASTER, sits in red robes, THRONE, center. Behind his head is the ALL ILLUMINATING EYE of the Pyramid. The floor is etched with an inverted PENTAGRAM. The COUNCIL OF NINE sits on either side, also hooded in red robes.
MAGNUS
(standing)
I, MAGNUS Hiram the fourth, hereby bring to order the COUNCIL OF NINE, descendents of the sacred bloodline of the Bavarian Illuminati, carriers of the torch of enlightenment. Praise be to our GRAND MASTER who shall be named King.
Bless the coming of the New World Order.
THE NINE
(In unison. Single knock on table.)
Om.
MAGNUS
(Pacing. Fist in hand.)
The Age of the Pisces wanes, my brothers, and we stand at the dawn of Aquarius. This is our age and we shall mold it as we see fit. Our agents are poised for destruction. We have infiltrated governments, courts, banks, military, media, and social institutions across the globe. We control the economic machinations of this planet and when we give the word the gears will grind to a halt; all eyes will turn to us and plead for our rule and guidance.
As we create the darkness, so shall we lift it.
THE NINE
(In unison. Single knock on table.)
Om.
MAGNUS
(Motions for ACOLYTE to bring a laptop)
The keystone.
We now have a direct link to the databanks, satellites, and surveillance feeds of all global intelligence gathering operations. We are the eyes and ears, brothers. GRAND MASTER, I present you with the ALL SEEING EYE, to serve you best as you see fit.
(The MAGNUS places the LAPTOP beside the GRAND MASTER, facing the camera.)
GRAND MASTER
(Scrolling through hidden camera feeds of people, satellite photos, etc.)
Ahhhh, shank you MAGNUS. A mosht delicious gift, indeed.
MAGNUS
(Hands him the dangling wires.)
Sir, your ear buds…
GRAND MASTER
(Putting them in his ears.)
Ah yesh, de air bud. Like de dog dat play de bashketball.
How de dog do dat ting? Dash a veddy funny movie.
MAGNUS
Yes, your highness.
(Beat)
Brothers, we, the puppet masters, are guiding the hands of the Muslim and Christian nations into a holy war which will obliterate much of the Earth’s population. As I’ve explained, population reduction is essential in order to gain total control…
GRAND MASTER
(Watching spycam feed of CHRIS, 28, at BAR, laughing with friends.)
Who ish dish man? He ish veddy funny man.
Hee Hee.
I like him. He makesh me laugh.
MAGNUS
(Pausing. Going on.)
Our tendrils of influence have manipulated Law and Order,
(just Law and Order:SVU for starters, but the other one is catching on),
and each time those snotty detectives abuse their police powers, the masses grow more and more acclimated to the loss of their human rights and the coming police state.
Soon, we will inflame the ire of the sleeping giant, China, and when she awakes she will devastate both Eastern and Western…
GRAND MASTER
(Watching spycam feed of CHRIS on COUCH alone.)
Oh, no. Dish one ish home now.
He ish sad. Look at hiym. Dash veddy sad. He’sh lonely.
Magnush, who ish dish man?
MAGNUS
(Frustrated. Tapping a button on the laptop.)
Your highness, that is New World Order citizen #US-3815872.
Also known as CHRIS. No known threat to our operation.
GRAND MASTER
(Pouty lip.)
He’sh not a rebel?
MAGNUS
No, sir. His current major goal seems to be the pursuit of a girlfriend.
GRAND MASTER
Mmm… I shink he looksh like a rebel to me.
I vant him put under shurveillance. 24/11.
MAGNUS
In all due respect, your highness, we really can’t spare any more…
GRAND MASTER
(Louder.)
This shall be done!
And I shall call dish ting…
(Quiet.)
Operatshion Shpanky!
(Proud of himself.)
(Pan to laptop feed. FADE DOWN.)
TITLE: 1 YEAR LATER
FADE UP.
EXT. BAR PATIO – DAY – ESTABLISHING
On the patio of a local bar, CHRIS, 28, and friend
JOHN, 30, sit with pints of beer. JOHN has his head in one hand and is smoking with the other.
JOHN
(Shaking head.)
Dude, you always say that.
CHRIS
No, I’m serious this time. This girl is awesome!
JOHN
Uhhh… like the hostess over at Banditos was awesome?
CHRIS
(A bad memory.)
Naww, man.
JOHN
Chris – you haven’t dated a girl in like a year. I’m starting to get worried about you.
CHRIS
(Shame.)
I know. I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me!
Just when things seem to be going really good,
something always happens to fuck it up.
JOHN
(Figurative eye roll. Sips beer.)
Mmm hm. All right, tell me about the girl.
CHRIS
Tessa! She’s cute as buttons. Uhh.. around 24, maybe? Long black hair, tight little body. She has got a great sense of humor. I met her through Adam’s crew; we all went out to Starlight on Tuesday.
JOHN
Oh, please don’t tell me you’ve joined a girlfriend recycling program.
CHRIS
No, I don’t think she dated any of those guys. She’s Ben’s sister’s friend.
She and I are going out for dinner tonight. I can’t wait, man –
This could be it.
JOHN
Just play it cool, man. Don’t get yourself all worked up.
You know how you do.
CHRIS
I know…
JOHN
(Serious.)
Dude.
CHRIS
What!?
JOHN
(A command.)
Cool.
CHRIS
Yeah.
INT. RESTAURANT – ESTABLISHING
A nice restaurant. CHRIS and TESSA sit at a table for two. They are both having a good time.
TESSA
(Laughing)
That’s hysterical!
CHRIS
Well that wasn’t the worst part! When Michael tried to hop over the fence, his boxers got caught on the barbed wire and it nearly ripped em off. Gave him one hell of a wedgie. I think the cop was laughing so hard he gave up running after us.
TESSA
(Laughing.)
(Silence.)
TESSA
You know, I’m having a really great time, Chris.
CHRIS
I am too! I hope it wasn’t too forward asking you out to dinner last night, but I had such a good time talking to you at Starlight, I didn’t want it to end.
TESSA
(Smile.)
No, no. It was fine. Really.
I’m glad you did.
CHRIS
Did you want some more wine?
TESSA
Yes, please. Thanks.
CHRIS
Hey, can I be frank with you for a second?
TESSA
I thought you were Chris…
CHRIS
(Makes a dumb face at the corny joke.)
No, really. I want to tell you something, but I don’t want you to get all weird about it.
TESSA
(Grimace.)
Uh. Sure, I guess?
(At this moment a red-robed, hooded ACOLYTE of the Illuminati pokes his head out from a doorway in the Restaurant and raises a blowgun to his lips. He fires a tiny dart into Chris’ neck.)
CHRIS
(Bewildered.)
TESSA
(Cocking head.)
Chris? Aren’t ya going to tell me?
CHRIS
(Stoned/drunk.)
I…. LOVE YOU!
THIS MANY ELEPHANTS BIG!
(Puts hands out, hits passing waitress. She flinches, scowls a wtf glare, he doesn’t notice.)
(Gasps! Has an idea!)
OH!
LET’S GET MARRIED!
WE CAN GET A RABBIT!
I WANT A FISH BOAT.
AND A PONY!
(Head face first in meal.)
TESSA
(Disgusted. Pulls cellphone from purse. Puts closed phone to ear.)
Uhh… listen, I think my mom is calling me… or something?
(Puts napkin on table, stands. Looks around embarrassed.)
I… really gotta go.
(Gathers things. Walks away.)
WAITRESS
(To collapsed CHRIS)
Sir, are you alright?
CHRIS
(Pulls head out of meal with a jolt.)
I LOVE YOU!
(Beat.)
PONY.
(Falls back in meal.)
EXT. BAR PATIO – DAY
The next day. JOHN and CHRIS are back at their favorite bar. Talking over a beer. John, head in hand, is smoking. Chris looks forlorn.
JOHN
And?
CHRIS
I don’t know!!!
It was fine! It was better than fine. It was great!
And then…
JOHN
And then?
CHRIS
(Looking down into beer.)
I, um… I told her I wanted to get married?
JOHN
Aw, shit, dude.
CHRIS
I have no idea what came over me! I’m not like that.
I was totally Rico Suave! Then… I dunno, I Erkel’ed.
JOHN
You got problems.
CHRIS
Shit yeah, I do. This blows.
(Beer.)
JOHN
Well. Just consider it a warm up, then.
Practice session.
Do you know any other single chicks?
Any that have never met TESSA or anyone she associates with?
CHRIS
Not really. That was kind of my last hope.
JOHN
What about Jeanette?
CHRIS
Uhh.. Nerfer? I thought she was crazy?
JOHN
And…?
CHRIS
Point taken.
JOHN
You really got no room to be choosey, Chris.
Why don’t you set your sights a little lower and get your game back – then you can go for the big fish.
Or, rather, then you can go for the smaller, more shapely fish without the disproportionately big tailfins.
CHRIS
You aren’t helping.
(Silent thinking. Gulps last swigs of beer. Painful pause. Slams glass down.)
When can I meet her?
INT. JEANETTE’S LIVING ROOM – ESTABLISHING
CHRIS and JEANETTE sit down on the couch at opposite ends. Jeanette is not nearly as cute as TESSA and suffers from elephantitis of the buttocks, which she cradles in spandex. The flicker of a movie on the television washes across their faces. When she speaks it is nasally and without emotion.
JEANETTE
(With remote.)
This is my favorite…
movie.
(Beat.)
That’s fluffy.
FLUFFY
Mrowrl.
(The movie starts. Chris looks over at her face, which is turned toward the TV, and tries to subtly scoot himself a little closer. Her abnormally large posterior presents an obstacle to his getting too close. She looks over at him, grabs another handful of popcorn from her bowl, and shoves it in her mouth.)
CHRIS
Wow, I didn’t realize that The Brave Little Toaster was so deep, you know, for a kids movie and all.
JEANETTE
You’re talking.
(Crunch.)
CHRIS
Don’t you want to talk? Get to know each other better?
JEANETTE
(Pauses via remote. Looks as though she is about to say something to Chris.)
MOM!
MOM
(Pokes head around corner.)
Yes?
JEANETTE
Chris wants popcorn.
CHRIS
(Looking confused.)
Actually mam, I…
(MOM is gone.)
JEANETTE
(Trying to look sultry. Unbuttons her top button.)
We can make it now.
CHRIS
(Hell no…)
What?!
(Well, maybe.)
Seriously?
(JEANETTE flutters her eyelids closed and sticks out her tongue gingerly.)
CHRIS
(Looks back for mom. Figuratively shrugs. Goes in for the kiss.)
(JEANETTE is basically licking his face, but he’s valiantly trying to enjoy the experience. From out of the mass of limbs comes JEANETTE’s arm with the remote and hits the PLAY button. Her eyes keep going back to the movie and she gets frustrated when his head is in the way.)
MOM
Popcorn’s ready!
(The two disengage quickly and face the TV. Mom places the popcorn on the side table and Chris quickly puts it over his lap, but isn’t eating it.)
CHRIS
Thank you, missus… Ner?..fuhfle (Can’t remember. She’s already walked away anyway.)
(He looks at JEANETTE, who is completely engaged in the movie.)
JEANETTE
I like Blankey.
Lampy is kind of a jerk.
CHRIS
(Looks at his wrist.)
Hey, Jeanette. I didn’t realize it was so late.
I’m going to go home, but why do this again sometime when your mom isn’t here?
JEANETTE
Ok.
(CHRIS gets up and walks out the door.)
MOM
(Poking her head out of the kitchen.)
Jeanette honey, did your friend… uh
(Grabs her neck. Falls over with a thump.)
ACOLYTE
(Coming in from the kitchen.)
Jeanette, I have something very important I need to tell you.
JEANETTE
You’re talking.
(Pause.)
ACOLYTE
(Hypnotizing her.)
Watch the pretty necklace. That’s it.
Now listen to me. Listen to my voice.
You will call Chris…
JEANETTE
Chris is my boyfriend.
ACOLYTE
No! Chris is NOT your boyfriend!
You will call Chris and tell him you just want to be friends.
JEANETTE
But Chris is my boyfriend.
ACOLYTE
Jeanette! You will tell him you just want to be friends or else something terrible will happen to Fluffy.
FLUFFY
Mrowr.
JEANETTE
I love Fluffy.
ACOLYTE
Yes, yes, I know you do.
Here is a telephone. Call Chris now.
CUT TO:
EXT. FRONT LAWN – NIGHT
CHRIS is walking back to car. Cell phone rings.
CHRIS
Hello?
JEANETTE
Chris.
CHRIS
Yeah?
JEANETTE
You are NOT my boyfriend.
CHRIS
Uh-huh?
JEANETTE
I just want to be friends.
CHRIS
(Looking very wtf!?)
Aw shit.
EXT. BAR PATIO – DAY
CHRIS and JOHN. Beers. Smokes.
JOHN
(Shaking head.)
CHRIS
Rejected! By JEANETTE Fur..flaffle (?) of all people!
This is the lowest of the lows, man!
There’s no getting up from this.
JOHN
Dude, if your right hand told you it just wants to be friends,
it would not surprise me in the least.
CHRIS
But I didn’t even say I wanted to be.. not.. just.. friends,
That was a totally unwarranted rejection!
JOHN
Mm.. A bonus rejection.
(A very cute girl and her friend walk on to the patio and make their way over to a table.)
JOHN
(In ventriloquist speak; hushed, as little lip movement as possible.)
Dude! HOT CHICK ALERT!
CHRIS
What!? Jiggalurt?
JOHN
(No lips)
Hoooot. Chiiiick… Aleeert..
CHRISTY
(Coming up behind JOHN.)
Hey CHRIS!
CHRIS
Christy! Hey! What are you doing here?
CHRISTY
Uhh… Drinking. 
CHRIS
JOHN, this is CHRISTY TORRENCE.
JOHN
(With one finger raised, talking with his finger like Danny from the The Shining)
Hello Missus Torrence…
CHRISTY
Hey.
CHRIS
You gals want to come sit with us?
CHRISTY
(Sincere)
Oh, sorry, I can’t. Girl’s night.
Can’t be a traitor to the cause.
CHRIS
Understood.
CHRISTY
Hey, why don’t you give me your number?
If I’m still standing I could meet you here tomorrow.
JOHN
(Obvious silly look of surprise and intrigue.)
CHRIS
(Taken aback.)
Uh.. yeah.. sure..
it’s 567-2984
CHRISTY
Putting it in her cell phone…
(More girls arrive. The girl that CHRISTY came in with shouts out to her.)
GIRL#1:
CHRISTY! Quit flirting and get over here!
Girl’s night!
GIRLS:
Whoooo!
CHRISTY
(Embarassed.)
Ok guys. Gotta go.
CHRIS, I’ll call ya…
CHRIS
Yeah. Cool.
(Chris looks at JOHN with disbelief.)
JOHN
(John looks at CHRIS with a shoulder shrug.)
Fade Down
TITLE: 3 DAYS LATER
Fade Up
EXT. PATIO BAR – DAY
CHRIS
3 Days! She hasn’t called me in 3 days!
JOHN
Quit worrying about it.
She’ll call…
or not.
Why don’t you call her?
CHRIS
I never got her number.
I gave her mine.
JOHN
Well maybe something happened, dude.
It might not be you.
CUT TO:
EXT. STREETCORNER – DAY – ESTABLISHING
CHRISTY stands at a city street corner talking on her cellphone. In an obscure reference to http://www.phonebashing.com a red-hooded ACOLYTE runs out, grabs the phone, smashes it to the ground, and runs away as that same annoying ringtone plays. She runs after him. Onlookers look bewildered. (If he is wearing a cellphone costume, all the better.)
CUT BACK TO:
EXT. BAR PATIO – DAY
JOHN
Yep.
Nobody loves you dude.
You stink.
CHRIS
No, John. I don’t stink.
Someone out there loves me.
Someone out there, loves me for who I am, and wants to call me back and wants to be more than just a just-friends…. friend, and doesn’t have a mental problem and a huge ass, and god damn it, I am going to find that person one of these days
and that’s it! I’ll kiss the crappy ass dating world goodbye.
JOHN
(To other patrons)
You hear that people?
(To Chris, shaking head)
They’re devastated.
CUT TO: INT – INNER SANCTUM – DARK
GRAND MASTER is rubbing his finger on the laptop, stroking the image of CHRIS’ face. He has a tear running down his cheek.
GRAND MASTER
Oh, Chrish.
I feel de shame way.
(Sob.)
I wish I could quit you!
FIN.
