What's with all the cryptids?

BigFoot

Today is bigfoot day. I also have to get pre-op bloodwork done, but that is totally unrelated.
(Just getting a fatty tumor and an open pore removed, nothing serious. I’m perfectly healthy except for my human skin, which hates me.)

DNA and photo evidence to be presented at press conference August 15, 2008,
12 Noon to 1:00 PM Pacific, Cabana Hotel-Palo Alto, Palo Alto, California,
open only to credentialed members of the press, not to the public.

Update: Press release photo 1 2 3 - YouTube Clip – Full Conference
(is that the teeth and tongue? that would be hard to fake.)

Better than Bigfoot! – Loren Coleman has been found. New blog here. He was hacked. They tore his site up. Someone might be out to make bigfoot people look bad here.

If you haven’t heard about all the fuss, an ex-cop claims to have found a bigfoot body in the woods. (Remember that ridiculous movie with the Knight-Rider music I linked to a bit ago? Same guys.)

So he put the 7’7″ 500 pound body in a freezer and kept pouring water in it hoping to freeze the body in ice; however, the refrigerator turned out to be a non-icing freezer so they were left with what you see above. (The blackness below it’s head is the water the thing is laying in.) Coming from these guys, that story sounds dumb enough to be true. But wait…

So they went on a radio show and said, “Well the only dude we’ll let come see it is the real bigfoot hunter, Tom Biscardi.” Well Tom Biscardi has just recently been involved in a bigfoot scandal of his own. He claimed they had one, they got all these people to buy webcam access, and then never delivered. Tom still claims he was duped as well, but of all people to choose… why did they choose him? Then the cop-on-leave got caught claiming his brother was a doctor who had come to investigate the bigfoot and then, once he was exposed for fraud, admitted lying in this VERY strange video which was removed, but then restored by a wily youtube user. Nevertheless, he still claims he has a body and will reveal the evidence today.

(Many have pointed out the similarities between the body shown above and this costume (which is also 7’7″ tall; although they would have had to have added dentures to its mouth and laid some entrails on the stomach – the entrails, some have pointed out, should be in a much greater state of decomposition than they are.)

Here’s Tom Biscardi on Fox (who’s much more credible than the other dudes):

The place to go for clarification about all this is to go to the main man of Cryptozoological studies, Loren Coleman. He’s built himself a pretty solid reputation as a straight shooter and runs the blog:

http://www.cryptomundo.com

That would be the place to go for information about Cryptozoology (strange and unknown beasties) but it is down since all this bigfoot stuff happened and I don’t know why! At first I thought he got too many hits due to the bigfoot fervor, but now I’m wondering if he got a DoS (denial of service) attack {hackers use programs to basically hit your site with thousands upon thousands of hits till it crashes} -OR- if, in a fit of shame, he ripped it down himself. I think he might have been bit on the ass by coming out fairly strongly in support of this story and now to have it be leaning towards a hoax – the last post on his page I saw was one that made the link to the bigfoot costume. There seems to be some bad blood between some of the parties involved as well.

We’ll know today at 1PM. Stay tooned!
(Yes, I spelled it like that on purpose because it is an allusion to the comic nature of the thing and animations are also known as toons. It’s wordplay. Gimme a break.)

Pig with Monkey Face

I showed you this before. But here it is again:
http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2941186.html

It claims this happened totally naturally.

Cow Gives Birth to an Alien Baby

There actually is a lot about cows in UFO/abduction lore. They get mutilated, ex-sanguinated {blood removed, none on the ground} and have their tongues, anuses, and genitals removed cleanly and cauterized as if with a laser {a laser wouldn’t be practical to bring into the “field“, but what about this?}.

Someone is obviously very curious about reproductive systems and, at least with human participants, the aliens are well known for implanting fetuses, then coming back and taking them later; occasionally showing up to momma in a dream with a funny looking baby and making her hold it (touch is known to be an almost fundamental requirement of a child’s upbringing.) Cow blood is close enough to be used for blood transplants in humans (in a pinch, not recommended), so there may be a reason why the cow is specifically chosen for these extraterrestrial experiments.

Anyway, despite all that, this alien baby born by cow in Thailand is probably just a genetic defect. Here is one explanation in the comments:

This is a genetic mutation known as a “bulldog”. It is an extreme form of achondroplasia..the same genetic variation that results in dwarfism. It appears more in some breeds of cattle than others.

http://www.hemmy.net/2008/06/12/alien-like-being-born-from-a-cow-in-thailand/

(they covered it in flour, that’s why it looks white and powdered like that. that way, when you fry it, it comes out nice and toasty brown. i’m just kidding, the article claims they put baby powder on it to ward off evil, but i’m not sure how an anti-evil ritual involving baby powder would have been passed through the ages. who knows. wait, are those juice boxes in the picture?)

Montauk Monster

I’m sure you’ve heard about this one. In fact, I’m ashamed I didn’t mention this sooner. I really need to keep you guys informed first so that your friends will be all, “dude, did you hear about the 3 foot monster they found?” and you’d be all, “duh, I read kindagamey.com, I know all about that shit!” But then you’d have to admit, “Well, I don’t read it per se, but I look at the pictures on kindgamey… there’s just too many words and half of them don’t make any sense.”

This one has been deemed NOT a hoax. But what is it? One body supposedly was taken back to an apartment by surfers and it decomposed into slime. The other one is missing? Yes, I think there were two.

Earthfiles.com has the best coverage, as always:

There is speculation that it is a racoon based on the teeth and skull:

Racoon Skull

But I’m not sure that explanation really covers all the bases.

CNN’s report. They do interview the photographer and the guy that found it, which has news value, but I swear I can barely stand that woman’s ridiculous voiceover, alleged sense of humor, and puns:

You know that Montauk, in conspiracy circles, was the site of the Montauk Project – supposedly some dastardly psychological warfare experiments?

Please note that despite the pictures making it look bigger, the thing is really small, about 3 feet in length.

Chupacabra Caught By Texas Police Cruiser

Very Small Monster

Speaking of very small monsters, I searched all over the internets looking for the video clip of Eddie Izzard in his incredibly hilarious standup, Dressed to Kill, talking about monsters and it is nowhere to be found. The entire standup is on google video (warning! horrible audio!), but that particular part is edited out, and the lego recreation of his moon landing bit stops before it gets to the monster rant.

Doesn’t it infuriate you when something isn’t on the internet and you need to link to it? Like a celebrity who hasn’t yet gotten naked for the public eye yet and you do a google images search and there’s nothing tawdry at all? It’s almost an affront to humanity! How dare these celebrities be so selfish as to keep their bits for themselves!? (Then again, when I was young and saw Kim Cattrall’s wet t-shirted lobes in Big Trouble in Little China I thought they were the bees knees. But when my ex-wife forced me, Clockwork Orange style, to watch Sex in the City over and over again I was actually inundated with Kim Cattrall’s flapjacks all the time. I don’t even want to talk about Cameron Diaz.)

Anyway, I did find the transcript of Eddie Izzard’s show. So here’s the bit in text form, just imagine it being said by a jaunty transvestite with a british accent:

“And no monsters, either! Not one fucking monster has turned up in the history of looking. ‘Cause we’ve been ready for monsters, we’ve been waiting for them for so long! Pictures of monsters, stories of monsters, documentaries of monsters, films, programs, television things- not one fucking monster! Nothing, not even a squirrel with a flute has turned up. ( sings jaunty flute tune )

“Monster! Very small monster!”

“Get the flute off him, that’s where he gets his power!”

I think the world needs monsters, I think we need them because we’ve got this thing of… Humans are very good with a little bit of adversity, not too much, but enough.”

p.s.

The latest Earthfiles.com article is about a load of frogs dying. Remember the death of the bees? And the fish? Now the frogs? Biblical endtimes, anyone? Did you see that remarkably, laughably, almost intentionally terrible movie The Happening? * By mentioning this film I am not endorsing it in any way whatsoever.

Ahhhhhh!!!